If
by ice flow
Summary: He has always quietly suffered in the background for the past years. Now, it seems it is too late. If only... Atoji


Since it's SadistFuji's b-day today, I decided to post a fic I wrote a long while ago...Sorry I couldn't write you a new one Megan! T_T I'll dedicate one to you when I do get writing in the summer =)

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**Title**: If...  
**Author**: ice  
**Genre**: General, Angst, Romance  
**Rating**: PG  
**Pairings**: AtoJi  
**Summary**: He has always quietly suffered in the background for the past years. Now, it seems it is too late. If only...

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**Disclaimer**: If I owned PoT, I can guarantee you that there would be a side series that had AtoJi fluff, epicness, and graphic smut running at the same time as the main series...and the main series would include AtoJi anyways also. Duh. =P  
**Comment**: No, it's not a death-fic.

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**Note**: This is not a song-fic. I can take out the lyrics if you really want me to, but the fic will still make sense no matter what and acts as a stand alone. I just thought the stanzas were an appropriate spacing tool since they fit.

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_**The road home from the station is relatively close  
But just this once, I wish it was further away  
When you came to escort me, I called out and we started walking  
Just a bit more, even for a bit, I want to be by your side.  
No one knows what eternity is like  
But right now, this is what I wish for most**_

He remembered what life had been like just three years ago.

_A petite blond figure slowly made its way out of the train, head ducked, hand still sleepily rubbing an eye._

_"Jirou."_

_Said blond's head shot up as he heard the voice of his captain. "Atobe?" Jirou saw the taller boy leaning against a pillar close by. "Eh? What," he broke off with a yawn, "What're you doing here?"_

_Atobe gave him a look. "Making sure you get home, of course. Be awed at Ore-sama's generosity."_

_Jirou stared blankly for a moment before a grin slowly formed on his face. "Thank you." He said softly._

_They continued to stare at each other for a few minutes. Jirou, unsure of what was going through his captain's head, finally said, "Should we get going then?"_

_Atobe seemed to break out of a trance before he nodded and turned to exit the station with Jirou trotting at his side. Jirou watched the scenery slowly past by as they continued at a slow pace, taking in every little detail of the moment. He didn't want to forget anything. Not if it had to do with Atobe. He wished the road home was longer. He didn't want to leave too soon. He turned to stare at Atobe, noting the distant look on the other boy's face. He wondered what Atobe was thinking, but did not speak up._

_It was alright. Atobe didn't have to talk to him. Just being able to walk with him in his company was fine with him. It was more than fine, really. He wished it would happen more often, but knew the heir's busy schedule didn't allow for it. He was glad that Atobe even showed up at least once every week to walk him home. Usually, he'd just get a phone call at home late at night asking if he had gotten home or not._

_There was one time when he wasn't home to answer. He had fallen asleep on the subway, and it had taken him to the last station. The workers there had somehow gotten him to a manga cafe, but then his family was in a panic because they couldn't find him. When Atobe had called and found out, the heir had sent out various search parties to find him. Jirou had woken up that night to the mixed scent of lavender and Atobe, before arriving home to a teary family worried about him._

_He wondered how much longer Atobe would be around to do that for him. He knew they didn't have eternity. Heck, he didn't even know what the future would have in store for him, but he did know one thing._

_He wished that he could go through life living every day like this one. Every day, at the other's side. _

_**Turning around that corner, you can immediately see  
The warm light of a window where I wait for you  
Gradually, both of my feet become heavy  
"Hey, come on, keep at it. The journey must continue."  
Even though I understand this selfishness  
My heart begins to tear up  
**_  
He turned the corner, and paused as a golden light shone from the window beside him. This was where he had waited. Where he had waited for someone who would never come. He knew the other wouldn't come, could not come, and yet, still, he had waited that one Christmas Eve. He didn't care that his family was at home, sitting down to a warm, well-prepared feast; he didn't care that the snow had started coming down in soft flakes; he didn't care when the night grew so cold that he had started to shiver. He had caught a terrible cold that night, and yet, he still hadn't cared. He had waited with the smallest hope that Atobe would still show up and meet him.

Atobe had already told him that morning that he could not make it, that he would be busy and had to entertain the guests from his father's business party. Of course, due to his charming self, Atobe's father had assigned Atobe the job of entertaining the young daughters of various businessmen, in the hopes that his son would choose one of them as a wife.

Still, Jirou had hoped. And he had waited. And waited. And waited...until the snow fall had turned into a blizzard and he had no choice but to return home, reluctantly trudging home, feet heavy with disappointment. But he didn't really want to go home, really. He wanted to stay there still, to wait. But he knew his family would come out to look for him, and he didn't want them caught in such a storm. And so, he left.

Jirou shook himself out of the memory, knowing that it was no use to reminisce about such things anymore. Atobe had never shown up, and while he knew that Atobe had a duty to his father and company--and so had to attend the party, even if said party had been announced the morning it was to take place--Jirou had felt like tearing up. Atobe had promised him months before that he'd be there that one Christmas Eve so long ago.

_**Even if I don't want to leave you like this  
Even if this hand continues to hold me close  
"For eternity, I don't want to be separated from you"  
I should have said that from the beginning…**_

And then their junior high graduation...

It had been the last time they'd ever been close. The last time they'd really talked. The last time they'd spend time together outside of school. At the end of the celebrations that night of graduation, Atobe had given him a hug, having noticed his depressed mood. He had asked him what was wrong.

Jirou had only shook his head and smiled, saying nothing was wrong. He didn't want to ruin anyone's night, after all.

Is this about starting high school? Atobe had asked him.

He hadn't answered.

How about this, Ore-sama will always be there to give you a hug if you need one. Atobe offered.

Jirou had only nodded, shocked at the offer. He shouldn't have been surprised though. He knew Atobe knew of his like for hugs. He liked getting hugs. They made him feel warm and comfy. They felt nice. No one else really knew that though, being as he was usually asleep, and whenever he did hug someone, they had assumed he was being his normal hyperactive self.

And so, every now and then, at school, Atobe would give him a hug in private, when no one was around. Except, they didn't feel the same anymore. Atobe's presence still comforted him, but the close bond they used to have slowly dissipated each time. Dissipated, because it had seemed to him, that Atobe only hugged him out of duty, out of the one promise he made the night of their junior graduation. Atobe always kept good on his word whenever possible, and he knew that.

But they had drifted apart. He wasn't sure if it was due to a conflict of interest, or what, but surely, slowly, they were separated. Atobe had remained the most popular person on campus, retaining his fanclub, being student council president again, and everything that put him in the spotlight, but Jirou had faded into the background. He had even given up tennis. The regulars back from junior high had been surprised when he quit in his second year of high school, but Atobe had said nothing. He had merely given him another hug that afternoon, before leaving to his student council meeting.

Jirou wondered if it would have been different if he had spoken up. If he had told Atobe from the very beginning. Told Atobe that he never wanted to be separated from him.

_**I want to stay beside you without ever changing  
I realized that this alone cannot be accomplished  
When I understood how painful this is, perhaps you  
More than anyone, more than anyone, will understand  
But I just want to make an excuse and run away  
With a vow to become stronger**_

But even if they didn't see each other often anymore, even if they had drifted apart, Jirou still kept track of Atobe. Kept track of what awards and trophies the other had won, what accomplishments he had done, what new events had happened in his life. Jirou supposed he was a bit like a stalker in that aspect, but he couldn't help it. He wanted to make sure that Atobe was alright. He knew the other had been constantly stressed in junior high, who knew how high school was treating him. Atobe was a perfectionist at hiding his own limits. Even when exhausted, he would push himself until he broke. Jirou hoped he hadn't done that while he wasn't aware. He hadn't heard any rumors about the student council president doing anything funny, at least.

It was strange though, how different the worlds they lived in now were. Atobe in his grand spotlight with the 'perfect' life anyone would wish for, and Jirou, the little shadow in the background that still 'slept' a lot, that didn't do anything spectacular to earn him fans, that had absolutely nothing about him that made him stand out from all the other students at Hyoutei, other than the fact that he was known as a nice person, as someone to take advantage of. Luckily for him though, apparently no one had the heart to do so, and instead, completely ignored him. He supposed that was better than being taken advantage of, though, even if he didn't know why.

He wished he could have stayed by Atobe's side. Tennis in junior high had allowed that, but high school had been different. They didn't let him just sleep through practices anymore, even if the captain did. And while he did participate in the practices, he didn't really focus. Or rather, he COULDN'T focus, not when it was all so boring. And he definitely didn't want to go all out on some unsuspecting person. They'd go after him and cause him more trouble.

He was in a depressed mood most of the time, nowadays. No one really noticed--well, Ohtori noticed, but he had managed to get the silver-haired boy to keep quiet about it. He wondered if he was free to run away from all his problems. As much as he wanted to stay around Atobe and make sure Atobe didn't accidentally kill himself, he knew that there were others keeping an eye on the heir, and he knew that his presence didn't really make a difference in the other's life. He wondered if the other would even notice if he never came back to school.

Oh no, he wouldn't be taking his own life. Perhaps move away to another country, somewhere far away. Hmm...Australia sounded nice. There were nice warm beaches there for him to nap on in any case. But he'd leave. And he'd leave until he found a way to steel his heart against heartbreak. He didn't like being depressed, and he'd been depressed for the past three years of his life.

Perhaps he would put in that request now. It was just the beginning of his last year at Hyoutei, after all. He'd have time to transfer and catch up with whatever school he chose. Maybe he'd come back when he wasn't so affected by the thought of Keigo leaving him anymore.

_**Even if tomorrow cannot be like today  
Even if not a single good thing happened,  
I want to surely protect you, always  
That is my true feeling…**_

And yet, the one day he had stayed home, thinking he'd spend the time looking up schools, Atobe had shown up at his front door, and had wordlessly dragged him out to an amusement park. One that they hadn't visited for what seemed like forever.

Since the time before he had realized that Atobe wouldn't always be there with him, he distantly thought.

They had fun that day, and instead of being the diva and shadow they had become, they had acted like the teenagers they were. And for once in a very long time, Jirou was truly himself again. He left behind all thoughts of why Atobe would take him to the amusement park, why Atobe had known he had still liked this particular one, why he knew that Jirou wasn't at school that day. School had barely started when Atobe had shown up. But this day, just for today, Jirou told himself that he'd leave everything behind.

He'd enjoy himself. Atobe was with him, and so, by default, nothing could go wrong that day. Even if today hadn't been fun, even if Atobe hadn't taken him to the amusement park and they were both still stuck in school, as long as Atobe was with him, he'd be fine. He'd be happy.

_**Even if I don't want to leave you like this  
Even if this hand continues to hold me close  
"For eternity, I don't want to be separated from you"  
I should have said that from the beginning…**_

And so, he stayed. And every week, Atobe would make sure to call him or talk to him at least twice, which was much more than the once a month greeting and occasional chat they would have. But all good things come to an end. And to an end did it come.

Atobe found out that he was betrothed.

The diva was frustrated at his parents' decision, but he could not refuse without a good reason. The old, I don't know her and therefore don't love her nor want to marry her, excuse did not work. Of course, if he brought home a girlfriend, he'd have to marry her instead, and surprisingly, the perfect heir was still Hyoutei's most eligible bachelor, and had been for his entire high school career.

Jirou could only watch as Atobe was dragged away to various dinners and meetings with the girl, each leaving the heir more and more frustrated and exhausted at having to play nice to the girl. Jirou wasn't too sure what the problem was though. The girl seemed nice enough, even if he didn't want her to marry Atobe.

The day Atobe announced the date of his wedding, however, tore Jirou's heart in half. Jirou had backed up and stuttered out an excuse before running away, refusing to look at Atobe, and so, had completely missed the hurt look Atobe had given him.

As he ran down the hallways of the now deserted school, he scolded himself. He knew it. He knew it was coming. But he hadn't expected it to hurt this much. He hadn't expected to feel such regret that if he had just said SOMETHING all those years ago, he might not have needed to go through this. He might have had or might not have had Atobe if he had just confessed so long ago, but he'd either be happy or be long gone or over it...oh who was he kidding. He would have only made sure that Atobe never found out where he had run to, and if the heir ever did, he'd have continued to run away until his feelings had died.

_**I am afraid of these insecurities within me  
But next to me, you are smiling  
Close to me, by my side  
I want you to always be smiling…**_

And yet, here he stood, on the day of Atobe's wedding, in the groom's dressing room, the groom about to leave for the altar and yet giving him an uncharacteristically soft smile. He wondered if he was making a mistake, if he was only interfering with the other's happiness, if he was making a mess of things on what was supposed to be every person's special day.

And yet...he confessed.

_I love you. _

And as he shut his eyes tightly and looked down, waiting for the other boy's--no, man's--response, he etched the memory of Atobe smiling into his mind, of that time at the amusement park less than a year ago when Keigo had finally reached out to him again, of that time when they were in junior high and Atobe still walked him home every week, of that time when they had fun at tennis practice, playing matches against each other, Jirou grinning widely in excitement, Atobe smirking in his confidence.

And now...?

"What took you so long?"

"Eh?"

_**This, I want to say to you…**_

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~~Epilogue~~

Jirou groaned when a small foot kicked him. "Dad!!" A disgruntled voice shouted. "Wake up! You promised that we'd go to the amusement park today!"

He had been cuddled into his soft pillow so comfortably on his front too. Jirou slowly got up onto all fours and yawned as he sat down onto the soft bed. "Alright, alright." He grumbled as he got up. It was WAY too early to be up, he thought as he made his way to the bathroom. He sighed as he brushed his teeth.

Well, he wouldn't give this life up for anything, in any case. And when a pair of lips nipped at his neck, he groaned and tilted his head to the side to offer the other person more room. Arms wrapped around his waist and held him tightly in its embrace as a voice purred in his ear, "Awake yet?"

"PAPA!!! Stop slowing him down!!" And as he felt Atobe's wince at the volume of his son's voice from where the man had his face buried in the crook of his neck, Jirou thought happily, Yes, he wouldn't trade this for anything in the world.

And it was amazing what technology could do these days...

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